by Jamie Shaw
INT. Bada bing club
SUBTITLE : DAY 1
TONY/JAMES GANDOLPHINI sits at his desk eating a canoli while PAULIE, SILVIO, and HERSH sit playing cards. On the walls all around them are pictures of nude women. The thumping sound of music to strip by is heard, muffled through the walls. CHRISTOPHER/MICHAEL IMPERIOLI enters.
TONY/JAMES GANDOLPHINI
Hey, there he is. You all packed?
PAULIE
Where the fuck's he goin'?
HESH
Hollywood.
SILVIO
Remember that story he told that actor guy...
CHRISTOPHER/Michael Imperioli
Jon Favreau.
SILVIO
...about our friend's run in with the chick that wasn't a chick?
PAULIE
Yeah...
SILVIO
They're makin' a movie about it.
PAULIE
If that gets out, you're a dead man.
CHRISTOPHER/Michael Imperioli
Yeah, thanks Paulie. Why do you think I'm goin'?
TONY/James Gandolphini
Don't go makin' a big scene out there.
CHRISTOPHER/Michael IMPERIOLI
Yeah, yeah. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and all that.
SILVIO
You catch the most flies with a steamin' pile a shit.
PAULIE
Ya but who the fuck want's to catch flies.
TONY/James gandolphini
I'm just sayin' you're my nephew, and I worry bout you, alright. If somethin'
happens, you got no back up. We don't got that much influence out there no
more.
SILVIO
We built that town. What the fuck happened?
PAULIE
Fuckin' Jews. No offence Hesh.
HESH
My Grandpa used to say “the Italians got food, the Jews got stories.”
DIRECTOR (o.S.)
Cut!
We PULL BACK to reveal the set, and the camera crew filming them. The Director walks onto the set as the actor's mill about and the crew starts to strike equipment.
DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
Good work everybody. I know it's only the first day of shooting and all but
I'd just like to say, we got a winner here. You know, it's tough for a TV show
to make the jump from small screen to big screen, but if we stay true to our
material, we've got a b;ockbuster on our hands. Let's hear it for the writers.
Everyone breaks into applause and Writer's 1,2,and 3 accept the applause graciously. The STUDIO EXECUTIVE, flanked by other producers in suits, approaches the DIRECTOR.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Great work, seriously, don't change a thing.
CUT TO:
INT. A TRAILER
SUBTITLE : DAY 12
The DIRECTOR is snorting a line of coke when there is a knock on the door. He hastily puts it away.
DIRECTOR
Who is it?
DREW BARRYMORE (O.S.)
It's Drew.
DIRECTOR
(wiping his nose)
Come on in.
DREW enters with another young woman, WRITER 4.
DREW BARRYMORE
This is a friend of mine, Sarah. Sarah, Johnny.
They shake hands.
DIRECTOR
What can I do for you Drew?
DREW BARRYMORE
Well, I don't want to be difficult, but...
DIRECTOR
Nonsense, what's the matter?
DREW BARRYMORE
Well, it's about the love scene.
DIRECTOR
Yes...?
DREW BARRYMORE
Well, my character's a highly successful, confident, beautiful woman
and, I just don't see her sleeping with this fat, balding, married guy.
DIRECTOR
Hmmm...
DREW BARRYMORE
I mean, I just don't see her motivation, it's completely unbelievable.
DIRECTOR
Well, it's implied that he has a certain amount of animal magnetism,
I mean, he's a very powerful man...
DREW BARRYMORE
I understand that, so, maybe, in a moment of weakness, she sleeps
with him, but the way he treats her...I mean, she'd never accept that.
DIRECTOR
What do you suggest?
DREW BARRYMORE
Well I was talking to Sarah, she's a writer, and she had some ideas...
DIRECTOR
Oh, geez, um, I don't know...I'll have to check with the studio...
DREW BARRYMORE
Could you call them.
DIRECTOR
(Taking out his cell phone and dialing)
Okay, but, I can't promise anything.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
Yeah?
DIRECTOR
Hi, listen, I'm here with Drew and...
STUDIO EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
Give her whatever she wants.
DIRECTOR
Okay, but...
STUDIO EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
Keep her happy, or I'll find a director who will.
The line goes dead.
DIRECTOR
(still talking into phone)
Okay...I will...you have a great day too...bye.
(clicking phone off)
Alright, she can rewrite the scene.
Drew get's up very excitedly and kisses him on the cheek.
DREW BARRYMORE
It'll be better. I promise. You won't regret this.
Drew and Sarah leave. He gets out his coke and does another line.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE
SUBTITLE : DAY 35
The DIRECTOR sits dejectedly on the couch, flanked by suits, and WRITER 5, a young black man. The STUDIO EXECUTIVE sits behind his desk smoking a cigar. He hit's the intercom button.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Send him in.
(to the DIRECTOR)
It'll be better, you'll see.
MICHAEL IMPERIOLI enters and crosses to shake hands with the STUDIO EXECUTIVE.
MICHAEL IMPERIOLI
Hey what's happening?
(noticing DIRECTOR)
Why the long face?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Michael, I've got some news. Cigar?
Michael looks from the DIRECTOR to the STUDIO EXECUTIVE.
MICHAEL IMPERIOLI
What's goin on?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Michael, I'm afraid we have to let you go.
MICHAEL IMPERIOLI
(smiling)
Let me go? What'd ya mean? I'm gettin whacked?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
We've decided to go with a different actor to play Christopher.
MICHAEL IMPERIOLI
A different actor? You're fucking kidding me right?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
I'm afraid not.
MICHAEL IMPERIOLI
You can't get somebody else, I am Christopher.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Not anymore. The studio just feels like there aren't enough roles for minorities, so Malcolm here is going to do a rewrite.
Michael stands up.
MICHAEL IMPERIOLI
A rewrite! A rewrite? I fucking am Christopher!
(no one makes a sound)
This is bullshit!
He storms out and the director puts his head in his hands.
CUT TO:
INT. A BATHROOM
SUBTITLE : DAY 55
SILVIO and PAULIE are beating the crap out of EDDIE while TONY watches. Dean Martin croons in the background.
PAULIE
Do you have our money now? Huh, ya dumb fuck?
EDDIE
I swear, I'll get it, just give me another day.
TONY nods.
PAULIE
Alright, but just so's you don't forget, we're gonna leave you with a little somethin' to remember us by.
SILVIO grabs a large kitchen knife off the counter.
EDDIE
No, no, please, I won't forget, I swear.
PAULIE
I know you won't.
SILVIO cuts off EDDY's little finger as EDDY screams.
DIRECTOR
Cut!
We PULL BACK to reveal the set. The STUDIO EXECUTIVE approaches the Director. Along with his usual posse of suits are WRITER 6 and WRITER 7, two little old ladies.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Can I talk to you for a minute?
DIRECTOR
Sure. Take five everyone, then set up for a close-up. What's up?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Well, we're a little concerned about our rating. We can't afford an R. We're going to have to tone it down a bit.
DIRECTOR
Tone it down...?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
These two are going to take a pass at the script. It'll mean we have to reshoot some stuff, but we won't hold it against your budget or your schedual.
DIRECTOR
That's just great. You know we are already twenty days behind schedual, and about 2 million over budget!
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Don't worry about it. We love the work you're doing, seriously. Don't change a thing.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE
SUBTITLE : DAY 152
The STUDIO EXECUTIVE sits at his desk smoking a cigar and pouring over a sheaf of papers. On the couch sits the usual phalanx of suits. The DIRECTOR enters.
DIRECTOR
You wanted to see me? I'm assuming that means the results of the test screening are back. How did we do?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Not so good. They seem to think Gandolphini isn't enough of a box office draw.
DIRECTOR
What are we going to do?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
Reshoot the Tony Soprano stuff. We got somebody big, you'll love him.
DIRECTOR
Reshoot?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE
There's some other stuff too, minor things, soundtrack, stuff like that. We got a new team of writers in. It'll be good. You'll see.
CUT TO:
BLACK
SUBTITLE : THE TRAILER
INT. DR. MELFI's OFFICE
Dr. Melfi is wearing a much shorter skirt than usual, with a halter-top. Gone are her glasses, and her hair is as big and wild as any pornstar's. She sucks seductively on a pen.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
This summer...
Dr. Melfi
Tell me about your dream.
We PULL BACK to reveal TONY, now played by Richard Gere.
TONY/RICHARD GERE
Well, there's this eagle, and he swoops down to catch this salmon. He gets his claws in it, but he can't get it out of the water. The salmon thrashes around, but he can't get away and the eagle can't get his claws out. The salmon dives and drowns the eagle.
DR. MELFI
This isn't the first time you've dreamed of birds and fish. Why don't you tell me what you think it means?
TONY/RICHARD GERE
That's what I pay you for. You tell me what it means.
DR. MELFI
I think it would be more instructive if you told me what it means.
TONY/RICHARD GERE
No, you tell me what it means.
DR. MELFI
No, you tell me what it means.
TONY/RICHARD GERE stands up and crosses to her, leaning over her threateningly.
TONY/RICHARD GERE
No, you tell me what it means.
DR. MELFI
No, you tell me.
TONY/RICHARD GERE
Alright, that's it. I've had enough. No more therapy. We're done.
DR. MELFI
I'll see you next week?
TONY/RICHARD GERE pauses at the door.
TONY/RICHARD GERE
Yeah.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM
TONY/RICHARD GERE and his MISTRESS/DREW BARRYMORE have just finished making love. She gets up and starts getting dressed.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Get ready...
TONY/RICHARD GERE
Where are you going?
MISTRESS/DREW BARRYMORE
I thought I'd leave before you start crying again.
TONY/RICHARD GERE
Don't. Please stay. Please.
MISTRESS/DREW BARRYMORE
You promise not to cry again?
TONY/RICHARD GERE
I can't promise that. I just love you so much. No one can talk to me the way you do...no one makes me feel so much, I just...I...
He breaks down and starts crying. She gives him a disgusted look.
CUT TO:
INT. Bada bing club
TONY/RICHARD GERE sits at his desk eating a canoli while PAULIE, SILVIO, and HERSH sit playing cards. On the walls all around them are pictures of nude women, with black bars covering their most private parts. The thumping sound of music to strip by is heard, muffled through the walls.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
...for the Soprano's, like you've never seen them before...
CHRISTOPHER/CHRIS TUCKER enters.
TONY/Richard GERE
Hey, there he is. You all packed?
PAULIE
Where the heck's he goin'?
Hesh
Hollywood.
SILVIO
Remember that story he told that actor guy...
CHRISTOPHER/CHRIS TUCKER
Jon Favreau.
SILVIO
...about our friend's run in with the chick that wasn't a chick?
PAULIE
Yeah...
SILVIO
They're makin' a movie about it.
PAULIE
If that gets out, you're a dead man.
CHRISTOPHER/CHRIS TUCKER
Yeah, thanks Paulie. Why do you think I'm goin'?
TONY/RICHARD GERE
Don't go makin' a big scene out there.
CHRISTOPHER/CHRIS TUCKER
Yeah, yeah. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and all that.
SILVIO
You catch the most flies with a steamin' pile of doo-doo.
PAULIE
Ya but who the heck want's to catch flies.
TONY/Richard Gere
I'm just sayin' you're my nephew, and I love you. If somethin' happens, you got no back up. We don't got that much influence out there no more.
SILVIO
We built that town. What in tarnation happened?
PAULIE
The Jewish business ethic. No offence Hesh.
HESH
My Grandpa used to say the Italians got food, the Jews got stories.
CUT TO:
INT. A BATHROOM
SILVIO and PAULIE are beating the crap out of EDDIE while TONY watches. HOT IN HERRE plays in the background.
PAULIE
Do you have our money now? Huh, ya dumb guy?
EDDIE
I swear, I'll get it, just give me another day.
TONY nods.
PAULIE
Alright, but just so's you don't forget, we're gonna leave you with a little somethin' to remember us by.
SILVIO grabs a piece of string off the counter.
EDDIE
No, no, please, I won't forget, I swear.
PAULIE
I know you won't.
SILVIO ties the sting around EDDY's little finger as EDDY screams.
CUT TO:
INT. BADA BING CLUB
They sit around playing cards.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
...Bigger Screen...
INT. DR. MELFI'S OFFICE
DR. MELFI flings her hair seductively.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
...Bigger hair...
INT. A BEDROOM
TONY/RICHARD GERE sits up in bed, his MISTRESS/DREW BARRYMORE beside him. She is angry.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
...Bigger Problems...
TONY/RICHARD GERE
Well, you know, it happens to every guy. It's not that big a deal. I'll get some viagra...
FADE TO BLACK.
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